Formatting - fucked, general mood - poor, lager - Carling. Need I say more?

It's came to my attention after having more than a quick glance at this place that the spacing between the lines of my last two posts is, shall we say...schizophrenic. I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Firefox or something to do with the inclusion of images and smallish text. I could narrow it down to one of those things or solve the problem altogether if I didn't feel the need to vomit every time I used Internet Explorer and/or I wasn't pissed.

Newcastle lost today, which is far from fantastic but the result was a surprise. 2-1 at Chelsea? I thought we were going to get fucking hammered. Speaking of Newcastle, i've finally finished my article for True Faith and I e-mailed it this morning. Hopefully i'll get a bit of feedback off Mr. Martin so I know whether it's up to standard or my cynical tone has destroyed the piece and he wants it rewritten.

You may have noticed that there is no specific basis to this post and it just seems to be an update on my life in general. Don't worry this isn't a regular thing, just a way for me to acknowledge some issues that may or may not have been bothering you and to inform you i'm a bit pissed.

Anyway, i'm off to watch a bit more John Pilger and get myself worked up into a left wing hissy fit.

Christ, Sonia's lost a lot of weight

Every year celebrities cash in on their own toned bodies and the foolishness of the public by putting out workout videos. These comprise solely of push, thrusts, jives and squats but still claim to allow you to shed all of your fat fucking blubber if you spend just 45 minutes a week doing the exercises. Too good to be true? You're quite fucking right, it is!

First of all, these are 'celebrities'. I use the term very loosely, as most of them aren't strictly on the A list but they have got a lot of money. This amount of cash can buy you all sorts of things like botox, a tonne of Nivea Visage, a very good stylist and a few sessions of liposuction, as shown by the East End's resident heffa Sonia Fowler on the box above. For all I know she may have lost two and a half stone through legitimate exercise, but all i'm saying is without daily trips to the gym I don't think it's possible. If all I needed to do t get a body like Brad Pitt was a few pelvic thrusts, i'd be well away.

There is only one thing worse than used-to-be-fat soap stars flaunting their new body in front of the faces of Britian's needy and self conscious and that is the clan of already drop dead gorgeous models and television presenters squeezing into the skimpiest leotard possible to "show you how they keep in fit"...Yeah, whatever. Is there really a market for this sort of thing, outside the teenage boys who'll watch it but only to give one specific muscle a work out? Sure, Janice Battersby losing a few stone and throwing out a DVD to show how it's done is slightly plausable but Nell McAndrew? I doubt she's done a sit up in her fucking life!

There are the occasional serial offenders. Jordan seems to have one out every year usually wearing some garish tracksuit, with husband Peter Andre and children in tow. This makes the whole thing look more like "Charv! The Musical!" than a legitimate work out video. Replace the bright pink back lit studio wall with a bus stop and Bob's your uncle. Speaking of Jordan, i'm very surprised her evil twin Jodie Marsh hasn't put one out this year as she seems to be clinging to fame by her finger nails. Maybe she's given up and has went back to being a skanny Essex girl with nothing more than a slack fanny?

What type of person is reality TV breeding?

Christmas is an oh so happy time. If i'm not spending the day in bed nursing a very big hangover, i'm usually making a half arsed effort to play or watch my newly received games and DVDs. In all my 20 years on this Earth i've never once had to spend my days head in a drawer, trying to find the receipt of a present I bought for someone because they didn't like it. There have been times when i've been less than confident that my purchase will be greeted with open arms but I used to think that I was a fairly good present buyer. I say 'used' because come about half ten on Christmas morning i'd handed over a present, had it sneered at and then handed back. What's worse, it's something that I thought was a safe bet - a CD by a reality TV star, for someone who really loves reality TV.

I should define the term 'really loves'. By that I mean watches every single reality TV show ever created, moans when they're not on and occasionally votes in them. I used to imagine that the room of a mental hospital smeared with shit in such a fashion that it bears a very slight resemblance to anybody who's ever entered Big Brother was enough to reduce the cannon fodder that is reality TV viewers into a blithering mess but no. This really confused me, I couldn't get my head around the fact that anyone who is this dedicated to the format doesn't have an interest in the participants the minute the credits role. What the fuck are you watching it for!? Simon Cowell and his fucking ridiculously text book hairstyle? Graham Norton and his unfunny double entendres? Apparently so.

Is it for the competition? Because if so then why doesn't one of the few 'competitions' that matter, the General Election, get a paltry turn out and the mere mention of politics put a lot of people to sleep? Maybe if we set it in a studio, had it hosted by Kate "I'm a slim, blonde, young woman who looks a bit dirty. Why am I not attractive?" Thornton, cut off a limb of the losing contestant and threw it into the baying crowd in the studio we'd get a better turn out? Actually, that's a fucking good idea. We would need to work out a way to rig it so David Cameron lost every week until he's just a side parting in a jar though.

Anyway, back to the CD. It was a release from smug faced Any Dream Will Do winner Lee Mead. Judging from the track listing he's decided that he's going to ruin the glittering careers of the Rolling Stones, Frank Sinatra and erm...Jason Donovan. Even though I haven't heard it i'm willing to bet it's shit and depending on how well liked he is by the public that voted for him, it'll either sell tonnes or not very many at all. It always a crying shame when someone off a reality TV show sticks in the public consciousness for more than a couple of days. Usually it's the ones of Big Brother, who've became famous for being able to act like an amicable human being in isolation, that are the worse offenders. Occasionally one or two people do come out of these shows with a genuine talent and rightly become stars, Will Young being one example. Now, I don't like the lad, mainly because I can't trust a man with a jaw that size, but you'd have to be a fairly big tit to say that he hasn't got any talent. He's one of the few that's managed to keep his head above water once he's been given the shove from the S.S. Cheap Tele which obviously tells you something.

Anyway, i'm sick of talking about this. Off to kick some arse on PES2008.