Christ, Sonia's lost a lot of weight

Every year celebrities cash in on their own toned bodies and the foolishness of the public by putting out workout videos. These comprise solely of push, thrusts, jives and squats but still claim to allow you to shed all of your fat fucking blubber if you spend just 45 minutes a week doing the exercises. Too good to be true? You're quite fucking right, it is!

First of all, these are 'celebrities'. I use the term very loosely, as most of them aren't strictly on the A list but they have got a lot of money. This amount of cash can buy you all sorts of things like botox, a tonne of Nivea Visage, a very good stylist and a few sessions of liposuction, as shown by the East End's resident heffa Sonia Fowler on the box above. For all I know she may have lost two and a half stone through legitimate exercise, but all i'm saying is without daily trips to the gym I don't think it's possible. If all I needed to do t get a body like Brad Pitt was a few pelvic thrusts, i'd be well away.

There is only one thing worse than used-to-be-fat soap stars flaunting their new body in front of the faces of Britian's needy and self conscious and that is the clan of already drop dead gorgeous models and television presenters squeezing into the skimpiest leotard possible to "show you how they keep in fit"...Yeah, whatever. Is there really a market for this sort of thing, outside the teenage boys who'll watch it but only to give one specific muscle a work out? Sure, Janice Battersby losing a few stone and throwing out a DVD to show how it's done is slightly plausable but Nell McAndrew? I doubt she's done a sit up in her fucking life!

There are the occasional serial offenders. Jordan seems to have one out every year usually wearing some garish tracksuit, with husband Peter Andre and children in tow. This makes the whole thing look more like "Charv! The Musical!" than a legitimate work out video. Replace the bright pink back lit studio wall with a bus stop and Bob's your uncle. Speaking of Jordan, i'm very surprised her evil twin Jodie Marsh hasn't put one out this year as she seems to be clinging to fame by her finger nails. Maybe she's given up and has went back to being a skanny Essex girl with nothing more than a slack fanny?